{"id":66220,"date":"2023-08-28T06:48:01","date_gmt":"2023-08-28T06:48:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wordcelnews.com\/?p=66220"},"modified":"2023-08-28T06:48:01","modified_gmt":"2023-08-28T06:48:01","slug":"navigating-my-children-through-grief-made-me-a-fiercely-protective-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wordcelnews.com\/lifestyle\/navigating-my-children-through-grief-made-me-a-fiercely-protective-parent\/","title":{"rendered":"Navigating my children through grief made me a fiercely protective parent"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

Welcome back to\u00a0<\/strong>How I Parent<\/strong>, where we get a glimpse into how the nation is raising their\u00a0<\/strong>kids<\/strong>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

This week we\u2019re speaking with<\/strong> mum Linda Aitchison, 55, from Wolverhampton, whose husband, Neil, died of cancer in May 2012. Their twin daughters, Em and Mel, were just 13 at the time.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2018Before Neil became unwell, I was such a laid-back mum,\u2019 says Linda.<\/p>\n

\u2018We didn\u2019t worry about much. We laughed a lot, and I treasured that above material stuff. If Em and Mel were worried about anything, I listened and we\u2019d talk about it. Without fail, we\u2019d always conclude, \u2018It\u2019s not the end of the world\u2019. But then, suddenly it was.\u2019<\/p>\n

Linda explains that Neil was diagnosed with terminal melanoma cancer, and was suddenly paralysed by tumours in his spine.<\/p>\n

\u2018On being told his condition was incurable I blurted out that I wanted to get married. The doctor said Neil had said the same,\u2019 she says.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Shortly after, the pair, who had been together for 16 years, got married. Neil was having palliative treatment to lessen his suffering, and he even improved enough to come home.<\/p>\n

\u2018Daily physiotherapy from Macmillan nurses meant he could walk a little,\u2019 Linda says. The family were also supported by childhood bereavement charity, Winston\u2019s Wish.<\/p>\n

Explaining how Neil and Linda spoke to their daughters about their dad\u2019s illness, Linda says: \u2018At home together, we explained fully what was happening. I can see still my girls now clinging on to each other on our sofa. <\/p>\n

\u2018Neil was amazing and I was in awe of how he found the words to say what no child should have to hear.\u2019<\/p>\n

Nine days after the wedding there was some hope. Neil\u2019s doctor said that he had the best response he had ever seen to chemotherapy in a melanoma patient.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018Again we cried, this time tears of relief and joy. Perhaps now we could have years together as husband and wife and would raise a toast when our girls turned eighteen,\u2019 Linda says.<\/p>\n

However, Neil\u2019s disease spread to his brain. Six months after diagnosis he died, aged 44.<\/p>\n

Linda describes the months that followed as \u2018a complete blur\u2019. <\/p>\n

\u2018I often describe the loss of Neil as a bomb going off in our family and we were left picking up the pieces,\u2019 she says. \u2018We were so full of rage about his loss, and our future without him, that we sometimes took our anger out on each other.<\/p>\n

\u2018Family and friends were stunned and didn\u2019t know what to do. Some had been in denial about how ill he was. Em and Mel went back to school quite quickly for the \u2018normality\u2019 and I was very bitter at a perceived lack of support.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Bewildered, Linda notes that her parenting style changed depending on her girl\u2019s needs and she developed a side of her that was \u2018fiercely protective.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Three weeks after their dad died, we all went to parents\u2019 evening where a teacher started to criticise Mel for \u201clooking out of the window\u201d in lessons. I said, \u201cI\u2019ll stop you there,\u201d and requested more understanding.\u2019<\/p>\n

And, understandably, Linda felt overwhelmed by the task of parenting alone.<\/p>\n

\u2018Our house was crumbling from my neglecting it, and I felt I was letting them down,\u2019 she says. \u2018At one point we didn\u2019t have a working oven, kitchen light, or sink as it all got on top of me.<\/p>\n

\u2018Our counsellor said we should draw up a rota of household tasks. Rather than sorting it out, we had a furious row.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018I ended up scrunching the handwritten rota into a ball and throwing it on the floor. Somehow we laugh about that now!\u2019<\/p>\n

Linda shares that grief counselling, and not bottling things up, helped them speak freely to each other, however difficult it felt.<\/p>\n

They also decided to volunteer for charities, such as the Buddy Bag Foundation, which provides a bag of essentials to a child placed in emergency care. They also went travelling together.<\/p>\n

\u2018A year after Neil died, we went to South Africa to help children orphaned by Aids. Our job was to play with them and show them love,\u2019 she says.<\/p>\n

\u2018My tears came not only from pride, but from waves of understanding and grief. My beautiful brave girls getting blisters carrying beds they had made for miles, laughing with the children, and understanding their heartbreak.\u2019<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Linda says that keeping Neil\u2019s memory alive has been really important when raising her girls \u2013 for her and her daughters. They would often write letters, and make memory jars with keepsakes from Neil.<\/p>\n

Linda describes finding strength as not consciously conforming into what people stereotypically consider \u2018strong.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018We did our best and that was good enough, I did not consider myself strong or \u201cinspirational\u201d as people insisted on saying, I just thought we had no choice but to keep going,\u2019 she notes.<\/p>\n

\u2018Work went on the back burner, I took time out to be there for Em and Mel, I turned full-on \u2018super scrimper\u2019 and booked the lowest cost holidays I could find. I\u2019m happy Mel and Em could see this was my priority. I joked we would sit in the dark and eat Aldi beans on toast if it meant we could get away sometimes!\u2019<\/p>\n

Linda says she has always encouraged her girls to be open and honest about emotional challenges throughout the years, particularly with other bereavements.<\/p>\n

\u2018We lost their grandad and my best friend, Carol, who was my business partner too. More recently, their auntie, my sister-in-law on their dad\u2019s side, died. And, this last year, my brother died after he spent 10 months in a coma after a car crash \u2013 at the same time, their grandma, thankfully now recovered, was hospitalised for weeks on end with heart failure and cancer.<\/p>\n

\u2018Amid the impact of repeated bereavements, we have all grown to understand how voluntary work and helping others also helps our hearts.<\/p>\n

\u2018I am beyond proud of them, both are in lobbying and political campaigning jobs after graduating from the University of Nottingham and Nottingham Trent University.<\/p>\n

\u2018The most important thing for me was for them to know that however tough it gets, however, broken and raging we were with grief and trauma, I love them and I\u2019m always here for them.\u2019<\/p>\n

MORE: <\/strong>Jessie J shouts out \u2018MVP\u2019 single parents as she struggles to look after baby boy alone<\/p>\n

MORE: <\/strong>How I Parent: My 20-month-old chooses her own bedtime<\/p>\n

MORE: <\/strong>How I Parent: I buy my 10-year-old designer handbags, they\u2019re her prized possessions<\/p>\n

Source: Read Full Article<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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