LIZ Jones reveals her wacky: A-Z of woke

As a firm says under-35s think emails are too bossy, from aggressive doorbells to oppressive avocados LIZ Jones reveals her A-Z of woke

  • Phil Foster of Love Energy Savings claim his employees dislike text messages
  • With an average age of 33, Chief executive says texts are considered outdated 
  • Liz Jones has created a guide of things younger generation struggle to cope with

An energy firm has banned sending emails because younger staff members ‘just don’t use them any more’.

Apparently under-35s hate emails, some deeming them too bossy, and prefer instead to be sent messages on Instagram, Facebook and WhatsApp.

Love Energy Savings chief executive, Phil Foster, says his employees, who have an average age of 33, even dislike sending and receiving text messages because they’re now considered outdated.

So what else does the younger generation struggle to cope with? Read our definitive A-to-Z guide . . .

Liz Jones has created a definitive A-Z guide of things the younger generation struggle to cope with, including the link between avocados and human rights abuses (file image)

A is for Avocados

Once a staple for Millennials (those born between 1981 and 1996), avocado is now off the menu because it has been linked to drought, human rights abuses and deforestation. Plus they are often not at all ripe, and really hard work.

Apple pie

An Indian-British food writer calls it a ‘product of stolen land, wealth and labour’ and an example of ‘food injustice’, because it was apparently born of American colonialism and slave labour. Particularly off-putting if you buy the unfortunately named Mr Kipling (too evocative of ‘racist’ writer Rudyard).

B is for breastfeeding

Exclusionary, as not everyone can be involved. Nursing bras are, as we all know, an overtly sexist garment, as aggressive as a jockstrap. Far better to call it chest-feeding.

C is for cooking

Who wants to be oppressed by appliances when you can just order dinner through Deliveroo?

Conversation

I haven’t spoken to anyone face-to-face IRL (that’s ‘in real life’ for the uninitiated) for three years. Actual talking interrupts my mindful breathing, plus accents can be tricky if you have the wrong one. And then there’s Covid, of course. Also I like to keep a digital paper trail, just in case.

Liz said the younger generation view heels as the modern-day equivalent of foot binding (file image)

D is for doorbells

Why touch something (germs) and push it (effort) to emit noise pollution into the world in a really aggressive way? Just text when you’re outside.

Diffidence

There is no room in a Millennial’s life for self-doubt. You might see this as arrogance, but the truth is the boomer experience is no longer valid, since your world is now obsolete.

E is for emails

What’s this? An email?! Is this like a letter, which used to come in the post and make my rescue dog bark, and I’d have to bend down to pick it up? It begins, ‘Dear…’ How formal! It expects a reply, even though I’m out getting an oat latte. If you must invade my privacy as well as my inbox, please use Snapchat.

Employers

I hate my employer, the oppressive bully who pays my rent but who, let’s remember, is not the boss of me despite their fear-based management style. Without me, there would be no business, even though I spend all day sipping my raw vegetable juice through a sustainable straw.

Liz said Nestle has a history of getting women in the developing world to use baby formula milk. Pictured: Vegan Kitkat

F is for freedom of speech

This is now banned, unless your views have been approved by the Woke Brigade. Even if you don’t believe something, don’t say you don’t believe it.

Father’s Day

Word has got out that Father’s Day is likely offensive and very much not inclusive. And anyway, everyone knows ‘mother’ and ‘father’ are outdated gender constructs. Duh!

G is for going the extra mile

I’d rather draw a line in the sand. This is not within my skill set, nor do I feel comfortable with it. I have boundaries, you know.

H is for high heels

Forget Carrie Bradshaw, she who had only white friends but plenty of stilettos. High heels are the modern-day equivalent of foot binding.

History

Well, it all depends who wrote it, doesn’t it?

I is for impostor syndrome

I’m sorry, I just don’t have it. I can be whomever I want to be. Entitled? No. I took Monday off owing to my oppressively short two-day weekend. And I’m leaving early because I only have a normal, sitting-down desk, not the active desk I requested. So I have to go to Boogie Bounce which starts at 6pm, and I have to breathe first.

Liz said nothing says you want birds, bees, butterflies and civilisation to die out more than a neatly striped lawn (file image)

J is for jokes

Unless you want to face career death, do not make a joke just in case someone within earshot is of different faith or race, or is depressed, fat, thin, in mourning, has ever lost a cat, is sitting exams, has had their flight cancelled or their tent won’t go up.

J. K. Rowling

You might have enlivened my childhood, saved me from illiteracy and made multi-millionaires of a clutch of hitherto unknown, barely talented child actors. Possibly you even rescued the British film industry, countless bookshops, and the lives of numerous children.

Yet you dared to tweet that, ‘there used to be a word’ for ‘people who menstruate’ and the sky fell in on your Scottish castle. We would burn your books were it not for the fact open fires put polar bears in peril.

K is for kitkat

Even if it has created a Vegan KitKat, Nestle still has a history of getting women in the developing world to use baby formula milk.

Liz said that little picture of a woman in a skirt on the door, how dictatorial and conformist can you be? (file image)

L is for ladies & gents

That little picture of a woman in a skirt on the door, how dictatorial and conformist can you be? Look at the other picture: it’s literally man-spreading! Could they be any more exclusionary (and no, I don’t watch Friends — that’s cancelled).

Lawnmowers

Nothing says you want birds, bees, butterflies and civilisation to die out more than a neatly striped lawn. The last bastion of male solidarity has fallen.

Landlines

What is that insistent noise coming from the corner of the room?

M is for masculinity

There is only the toxic kind. I often think men grow stubble just to remind conformist women how much they are spending on threading and waxing.

Motherhood

Parent who has given birth, please. Mum’s not the word.

N is for not taking the knee

We Don’t care if you’re arthritic. Do it.

O is for office

Are these small, poorly carpeted, illegally-lit-with-fluorescent-bulbs prisons necessary? Unless it has a helter skelter, a soft play area and I’m next to a picture window, I’m WFH for ever.

Graduate students at Magdalen College in Oxford feel the Queen (pictured) represents colonialism

P is for pronouns

Forget ‘he/she’, ‘him/her’, ‘his/hers’. We now have ‘they’, ‘their’ and ‘them’. Quite clear and only confuses racist and colonial sticklers for grammar. See below.

Punctuation

Grammar Nazis, please don’t get aggressive with me about full-stops, and please check your privilege if you know what an Oxford comma actually is. And never, ever use an ellipsis: I’m too stressed to deal with suspense.

Q is for queen

Graduate students at Magdalen College in Oxford feel she represents colonialism. They have said they might put her picture back as, worryingly, removing it revealed a white square.

Quinoa

This abuses the indigenous population of the Andes. Seeing it garnishing my salad is the post-modern equivalent of bacon bits. You might as well bring back the Empire.

R is for reality

There is no one reality. It is all about how I felt at the time, so there’s no need for proof or examples. It is all about my perception. Like my gender, reality is fluid.

S is for statues

We never notice them as we always walk around looking at our phones, but we are sure they are all of old men on horses — poor horses! Or of Winston Churchill, who should stop smoking and move Spain to the green list, as I’ve booked a yoga retreat in Ibiza.

T is for truth (unless it’s my truth)

There is no ‘truth’, because it might be in the mind of an old white person who says: ‘Recollections may vary.’ There is only My Truth, because if I feel oppressed, affronted, disinherited, poor, overworked, ill-prepared, ignored, bored or not welcome, then I am.

Phil Foster said his employees, who have an average age of 33, dislike text messages because they’re outdated (file image)

U is for ugly

let’s just be positive. Everyone is beautiful, #bekind.

V is for vaginas

A student at Abertay University has been cleared of misconduct charges after saying women have vaginas. Lisa Keogh, studying law, also said women are not as strong as men. Arm wrestling followed. She lost.

W is for a work week

I only go into the office on a Friday so I can get that Friday feeling come 2pm, which is when I leave for a rooftop bar. Mondays are for blue-sky thinking at home, while Wednesdays are an official Hump Day: a mountain to climb to get to the back part of the week, and the home stretch. So I tend to stay home on Hump Days. Thursdays are the new Fridays.

X is for xenophobia

I’m a citizen of the world inhabiting a small blue dot, which makes the world my oyster. But I don’t eat oysters. I saw Seaspiracy.

Y is for yesterday

Stop banging on about the Nazis and the Swinging Sixties. I live in the moment.

Yoghurt

Dairy is scary.

Z is for zebra crossings

What do you mean we should thank drivers as we cross them? We stop and point, saying: ‘Why are you even in a car? What about people in low-lying countries such as Bangladesh, drowning because of your choices. Why should I be thanking you? You should be thanking me for being on, you know, actual foot.’

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