DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE just learned my best friend and I have been sharing my wife.
We have always had so much in common all our lives — a love of cycling, regular nights out down the local pub and our first holidays away.
My wife is 38 and I’m 42, as is my best friend, who is single. I’m devastated and don’t know which betrayal is the worst — my wife’s or my best friend’s.
Their affair has been going on for three years and I’m kicking myself for not realising earlier.
It was a pure fluke that I spotted them in his car together at a local beauty spot.
After seeing his car, I strolled over to say “hello” but got the shock of my life when I realised he was all over a woman, and that woman was my wife. I retreated before they saw me and drove home shaking.
After getting our two kids to bed, I confronted her and her reaction completely floored me. Instead of showing any remorse, she yelled: “You think you are the only one who has affairs around here?”
Apparently, he told my wife I had been unfaithful on another friend’s stag weekend. She insisted she started the affair for revenge.
My wife soon wanted to end it but he begged her not to and hinted he would blow the lid on their affair if she did.
Unfortunately, it was true I had been unfaithful. A group of us had gone to see a sex show on the stag weekend in Berlin. I was so turned on that when we went on to a club I hooked up with a sexy woman and went back to her place.
It was so obvious what had happened when I crawled back into my hotel bed at dawn the following day.
But it was totally out of character and I didn’t even question that my best friend would keep my secret. I want to forgive them both but don’t know where to begin.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your story is one of those situations where no one comes off well.
The saddest part in all this is that the worst of this damage could have been avoided with some straightforward communication between you and your wife.
But there is good news. You and your wife want to stay together and by working through this it is possible to overcome cheating on both sides and to come back stronger.
As for your friend, I would be very wary of letting him back into your life. Not only did he betray you, but also manipulated and even blackmailed your wife, taking advantage of her when she was vulnerable.
I’m sending you my support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? To help you work through this pain.
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