Stephen Colbert Celebrates the Passing of the Stimulus Bill

Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.

Trillions in Stimulation

Congress passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus aid bill on Wednesday, with Democrats sending the measure to President Biden despite no Republican support.

“Something historic happened on Capitol Hill, and it wasn’t punching a cop and pooping on the rug,” Stephen Colbert said, adding, “It’s a pretty low bar.”

“With this passage, the government is about to send $1,400 stimulus checks to millions of Americans. There you go, baby. You’re rich! Buy yourself something nice, like rent or medicine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Huge news. With $1,400 a year into the pandemic, you can finally pay May 2020’s rent.” — JAMES CORDEN

“The $1.9 trillion price tag brings the total spent on Covid relief to $5.5 trillion. By comparison, adjusted for inflation, World War II cost the U.S. government roughly $4 trillion. Hopefully, we’ll get some great coronavirus movies like ‘Inoculating Private Ryan,’ or one about your uncle who still wears his mask below his nose, ‘Dumb Kirk.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“The administration says a large number of Americans could receive their $1,400 stimulus payments before the end of March. Do you know what that means? There’s finally going to be an end of March!” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“The money will be going out soon, and really, what’s more reassuring than the phrase, ‘Don’t worry, the check’s in the mail’?” — JAMES CORDEN

“Most Americans are thrilled the bill passed. In fact, President Biden is so amped, he just bit his dog.” — JIMMY FALLON

“One point nine trillion dollars. That’s like a dollar for every email you got this year that started with, ‘In these challenging times.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Biden might not need to work too hard to sell his stimulus plan, because according to polls, 75 percent of voters said they support the package, and Biden’s approval rating since he took office is a steady 57 percent. Old steady Joe: He may not be as exciting as the last guy we were with, but, you know, he’s good with kids, in that he cares whether they live in poverty.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Punchiest Punchlines (Republican’t or Won’t Edition)

“The House passed the $1.9 trillion coronavirus relief bill today. Democrats are calling it a landmark bill that will give Americans desperately needed financial assistance during a pandemic, while Republicans are calling it ‘not what Dr. Seuss would have wanted.’” — SETH MEYERS

“It will give Americans more access to health care and boost the vaccination rate. So naturally, Republicans are against it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“No Republicans voted for the bill in the House or in the Senate, even though more than 70 percent of Americans support it. The only other Bill 70 percent of Americans support is Murray.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“It’s very rare to have that, but Republicans in Congress can’t support it because Democrats in Congress do support it. If a meteor was hurtling toward the earth and Chuck Schumer said, ‘We’ve got to stop this,’ Mitch McConnell would be like, ‘No we don’t. No we don’t. Could lead to socialism.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL

The Bits Worth Watching

Samantha Bee investigated the women of QAnon on Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”

What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night

Phoebe Bridgers, a Grammy nominee for Best New Artist, will appear on Thursday’s “Late Night With Seth Meyers” ahead of Sunday’s awards show.

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