1.Re: news that Serena Williams’ husband wore a D.A.R.E. shirt to her match with Maria Sharapova…
This is a perfectly-executed example of sophisticated pettiness. Bravo, Alexis!
2.Re: this poll asking about when people had their “firsts”…
How old were you the first time you smoked weed?
Nice try FBI.
3.And this one:
I’m concerned for the 14K who haven’t masturbated. Y’all okay? Please go release some tension!
4.Re: our attempt to identify a bunch of blurry celebs reacting to THAT Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello moment at the VMAs…
BuzzFeed: *does numerous articles on Diplo. Literally refers to him as a legend in one of them*
also BuzzFeed: “This guy in the cowboy suit.”
bro what i-
5.Re: this list of people who DEFINITELY had a worse day than you (especially #14):
Okay, I know someone kind of like the pee girl. I have an old friend who never, ever wears underwear. Like ever. She’d just started dating this guy, and he’s at her house for the first time. He’s waiting for her so they can leave, and she realizes she has to fart. Not wanting to fart near him, she decides to squeeze one out a few feet away. Did I mention she was wearing overalls? (It was the ’90s.)
Anyway, next thing she knows, a hard, perfectly round TURD falls out her pant leg, falls down the top of her shoe, and rolls daintily in front of her new man. He married her anyway.
6.Re: this list of 17 horrifying things medical professionals have found inside the human body…
Really got to protect your buttholes, guys. Everyone is one misstep away from a something large getting lodged.
7.And this one, too:
As a surgical technologist, I can tell you that…
A) I scrubbed a rectal foreign body case at least every other month.
B) They either “fell on it” or “blacked out at a party and woke up in pain.”
C) The staff will take bets on what it is, if we haven’t already seen the scans. If we have, bets move on to color of object and if we’ll be able to get it out without opening the belly. And finally…
D) 98% of the time, it is a middle-aged man. I did get one 17 year old girl who was curious.
8.Re: this post about the most devastating celeb breakups of all time…
Anna Faris is too good for Crisp Rat. There, I said it.
9.Re: this roundup of times Chris Evans has tweeted about his dog, Dodger…
Dysfunctional codependents…I’ve never seen a term that so accurately describes me and my dog child.
10.Re: all these weird and hilarious punishments that these 19 inventive parents have doled out…
My mom would only let my brother and I fight while speaking with accents, which always ended up in us laughing. She would also have us “dance fight” if we were mad at each other.
11.Re: all the comments on this call for body piercers to share their worst horror stories…
My nipples just recoiled.
12.Re: that dumb Instagram hoax that all your fave celebrities fell for…
Posting this message is the legal equivalent of Michael Scott’s “I declare bankruptcy!”
13.Re: this list of 27 funny “firsts” in history that must have been very wild to experience…
Imagine the trial and error involved in early humans figuring out which mushrooms you can eat. Either you die, trip balls, or say “hmm not bad.”
14.Re: these tweets about Millennials being fed up with Boomers…
In between Boomers and Millennials, there is a generation who hates you both.
15.Re: this “Are These Favors For Other People Reasonable Or Ridiculous” poll…
I wish this quiz had had an “I’ll do it but I’ll roll my eyes about it” option.
16.Re: all these terrifying facts, including the one about how yeah, if you died alone in your apartment, your cats would have no problem eating your face after a few days…
If I die alone in my apartment, my cats are welcome to eat me if it means they’ll survive long enough for me to be discovered. And they can be re-homed.
17.Re: this list of tweets that explain what a VSCO Girl is…
As a Gen Z-er, here’s a quick guide to VSCO girls:
– VSCO girls wear lots of oversized t-shirts, Birkenstocks, shell necklaces, and Pura Vida or friendship bracelets.
– VSCO girls always, always, always have a scrunchie, and they usually carry a Hydroflask and Kanken backpack.
– VSCO girls use metal straws to save the turtles, and if you use a plastic straw they will judge you heavily.
– VSCO girls use slang: “And i oop” is if you’re shocked or surprised, and “sksksksk” is similar to a laugh.
– VSCO girls have sleepovers where they hang out in crazy places, such as on a trampoline or in the middle of a pool.
– VSCO girls make a lot of TikToks, but not nearly as many as e-girls.
18.Re: these gut-busting stories about people revealing the “dumbest” things they’ve ever done…
I was at my boyfriend’s apartment by myself in my pajamas and knew a repairman would be arriving soon with a key to let himself in.
Instead of announcing to him that I was there in the bedroom, which is where the repair would take place, I HID UNDER THE DUVET FOR 45 MINUTES, mere inches from this stranger all while trying to not use up my supply of oxygen under the comforter and simultaneously trying breathe as shallowly as possible so he wouldn’t know I was there. All I could think while it was happening was, “If I pop up and say ‘hi’ right now, I’ll either scare him to literal death or seem like the biggest freak that ever lived.”
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